Today I have been trying to figure out ME. To be more to the point yet still seemingly ambiguous, "the why and what the hell".
I have trouble forming comprehensive emails, thoughts, notes, stories etc. I cant ever get the proper formula. Where most people more simply go with (beginning, middle, end, 123) I tend to form them (end, something irrelevant, beginning, end recap, middle, so 3?132).
My structure is totally different so when I read normal 123 structure, I get lost looking for that damn (?) that somehow in my mind ties everything together.
Even back in elementary school when teachers were teaching us "one foot in front of the other", I tried to read one word at a time and even then, they are not in the right order. I would pull words into sentences from other pages, forcing me to reread that sentence which makes me forget the prior sentence and how they somehow fit together. Forget comprehension. I sure as hell did.
(that entire last block of text was written and rewritten about 10 times.)
(that last statement used to be longer, I went into an explanation of what I moved around but my form didn't make sense so I deleted it. I give up)
My name is Misi and I have Dyslexia.
I score off the charts.
Here is the scoring chart:
What does your score mean?
- A negative score (less than zero) = Very low possibility of dyslexia
- 0 – 75 = Moderate possibility of dyslexia
- 76 – 150 = Strong possibility of dyslexia
- Above 150 = Very strong possibility of dyslexia
I scored a 250! Go me!
In true Misi fashion I explained the second part first. Let me skip back to the beginning. What started this whole dive into the "what the hell" was that I am right now, at this very moment, experiencing so much anxiety deep in my chest that I feel my throat closing. I know I have nothing really to be anxious about, which is probably why I haven't jumped into the hyperventilating stage of this random 3 hour and counting, panic attack.
Try to keep following me here, I know I'm everywhere.
As a kid, I had crazy OCD. In my mind everything had to be equal and usually in threes, unless I fucked up, then I'd have to even them out. I remember one night in particular, I was probably somewhere between 5-7, I was trying to sleep on the couch and could not get the left side of my body to be equal with my right side. (So fucking what, but it's not that easy) I stayed up till 4am wiggling my toes and individual fingers, lifting my legs and turning my head all in evens. Then one fucking toe would twitch, so I'd have to twitch the same on the other side. This happened all night long. The more frustrated I got, the more in tune with every tiny movement I would now have to make, I became. I basically tortured myself for years, then eventually grew out of it for the most part.
I also have Social Anxiety. Put me on the spot? Go fuck yourself. If I put myself on the spot, that meant that I have rehearsed EXACTLY what I was going to do about a million times in my head, and just wanted it over with. If I am walking alone, I am walking fast, head down, a-b. If someone calls my name in the middle of my a-b, I will not look up, I will not respond, I need to get to b.. it is safe, I belong there. Also, in my head, everyone who see's me going from a-b is judging me, making fun of me because I am different.
I do not do things by myself out in public if I can seriously help it. I don't even order my own food delivery because I get so much anxiety knowing I have to talk to someone on the phone and I can't rehearse enough to make up for the fact that I might not understand their accent or what the hell they are saying. I make Nick call for me, even when he is out-of-town.
I don't make left turns if people are stuck behind me. Too much stress.
I will not parallel park if people are stuck behind me, I'll circle around. Too much stress.
I don't like to go to bars or clubs in fear that I will get left by myself for even a minute.
If I am not working, I am completely awkward and antisocial.
I have friends, but I can never go out with them. Too much stress.
If I have ever flaked on anyone, it would be because I would have to get there by myself, I do not walk into unknown places looking for people. I'm left too vulnerable.
...in my mind.
Anyways long story short, I looked into all my social problems and was pointed towards aspergers. So I took a test. Here's how I scored, Go Me!
I'm a mess mentally, but I'm getting pretty good at faking normal. I can hold most conversations, or at least I think I can. I'm just happy to finally know "Why and What The Hell!" now I just need to learn how to adjust properly. You probably won't be seeing me alone at a movie any time soon but I can go grocery shopping.
(Only with a hand basket though, I haven't worked up to "OK with Carts" yet. Baby steps.)
Awesome, that took me two hours to write, and I'm pretty sure there was no real story, just a mess of thoughts. Whatever, I'm done.
